Sunday, March 25, 2012
I wonder if you sit and ponder as I do when I find myself too captivated by the world to speak. I wonder if in long car rides you rest your head upon window and gaze out and the trees passing by at 100kph. I wonder if you try and capture fragments of scenes before they’re gone. I wonder if the music you listen to evokes memories that you’ve tried to push away, evokes feelings you thought you’d forgotten, as it does for me. I wonder if you write out letters of things you’ve wanted to say only to re-read them and realize they make no sense at all anymore. I wonder if on silent nights you lay awake..the only company you’re willing to keep within your mind. Life is made up of nothing but memories. And it’s these memories that plague my thoughts and drown reality. It’s these memories I wish I could burn, like a photograph, to deny their existence entirely. It’s these memories…that I will so painstakingly cherish, for they are all that remains; a constant reminder of what once was.
Monday, March 19, 2012
if you want me to move out west with you, all you have to do is ask and i will say yes. you can do what you need to do, and i'll be there doing whatever it is i'll do, and we'll make it work because we're both smart and we'll figure it out. we can talk about mountains and law and politics and we can talk in poetry, if you want. we can talk about all the things we think about in life, the things that make us tick and hum and keep on waking up in the morning. and you can tell me i'm wrong about mostly everything, but that's okay, because i don't think anyone ever truly gets it right. and we can stay up all night, fighting or laughing or crying, or play hide and seek in the city streets, or just stay up for the hell of it, making love at two in the morning because we're young and in love and we can do whatever the hell we want, dammit. and we can look at old baby pictures and wish we had met each other sooner in our lives and made better choices that might have led to that happening. and you can complain about the songs i listen to, and i can tease you about your accent. and i'll take pictures of you when you're sleeping and keep you in bed when you have to go to work. and we can drink coffee instead of tea, and have you steal my cigarettes. and we can write a book together. and fall asleep together. and wake up together. and maybe, for just once in our life, find one of those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, and smile and know that we made the right decision.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
I’m suddenly hit with inspiration after standing out on the deck, staring at the stars reflection on the water; silver pepper blanketing the surface. It makes me think of reality. Above the water there is a totally different reality to what lies beneath the canal. Evolution comes to mind. Every creature lurking beneath the surface only has one thing in mind: survival. While we as humans, have the prospect of working, incomes, relationships and our fight for wanting more. We have consumerism, religions and much more to enrich our lives. In reality we have it easy, we’re all lucky and free. Some people think fish have it easy. In reality, we have it easy. Survival isn’t our priority anymore. A big house, fancy car and love are what we crave. And we will stop at nothing and sulk in our own self-pity and depression before we get it (if we get it). Fish are happy if they see tomorrow. This idea spurned as I lay awake last night, listening to the sounds of fish jumping before it occurred to me that they aren’t jumping because they can or because they’re happy. They jump to get away of a bull shark or a stingray; desperate for survival. There is seldom beauty in that. Nothing, but for the cold reminder that they are living in constant fear. If anything, those sounds should remind us of how lucky and fortunate we are. Sure we have struggles that they will never have to face, bullying, hate speech, debt. But those things thrust upon us give us perspective. Perspective of how life’s not fair but it goes on. It goes on is what we take for granted most of the time. A small fish borne into an ocean of predators isn’t fair, but if it didn’t happen we wouldn’t have living oceans. The species couldn’t continue. We would continue, regardless of bullying or debt. That’s what we take for granted. I think I’m just continuing to write deliriously in the dark, counting numbered days I take for granted.