For a little while I kept a dream journal. Upon re-reading it through my immense boredom at work I found something that I have been meaning to share for quite some time.
"You never have memories of thinking about a memory. Whether it be good or bad, the memory might fill you with guilt or angst or even the verge of having a mental breakdown over it. But, you never remember where you are filled with this deep inner turmoil or anxiety over thinking about a bad memory. You only remember the memory"
Welcome to inside Jess' head. I hope you enjoyed your stay, please come back for more mind blowing shit.
Seriously though, my subconscious has a point. Take me for example. A simple memory might be the time I was giving my details to a receptionist and she asked:
Thanks - seriously thanks? (I thought she said nice name)
I'm such a fucking idiot - this may not seem like a big deal to most people, but my levels of anxiety get to boiling point sometimes and I am left with a string of insignificant but regrettable moments.
Anyway, I get so caught up in the memory that I completely dismiss myself, right now, feeling like a dick for such a dumb moment. I probably won't remember this moment, I'll only remember the memory of the dumb moment because of how fixated I am of the dumb moment.
This might actually be a breakthrough in my anxiety because I am so caught up in these feelings. GOSH IT'S LIKE I AM MY OWN THERAPIST
Anyway thanks for staying in this moment of realisation for me, I'm sure there will be many more to come.