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Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

I went for a walk last night at about 1am. I put my headphones in, listened to my "wandering" Spotify playlist, and just walked. Trying to make sense of this year and all the changes that are rapidly approaching faster than I'd like to admit. I eventually reached the ocean, and stared out at its grim, jelly-like demeanour waving slowly at me. 


I was there for a about an hour. These are the thoughts that followed:


There's a distinguishable contrast between the silence in the darkness compared to the daylight. Silent darkness wraps itself tightly around your chest and covers your eyes as if to say "Guess who". It permeates your thoughts and whispers the sounds of muffled, distant midnight travellers, driving down cold empty streets.

There's a false note in this darkness though, this night has been polluted by artificial lights. Darkness itself doesn't pollute, It simply fills the space that light has left behind in its voracious hunger, consuming the scraps of air it can find. 


People fear darkness, they fear the ambivalence of what's lurking in the shadows; of monsters that hide under beds or reapers that hunt in the night. People fear what they do not understand. Do you understand if you're afraid of the dark?


I like darkness. I think it's just as afraid of us as we are of it. It cowers in the corners of rooms and hides under tables when a light is turned on. It has a fleeting insecurity about the way it runs away which I think is hauntingly captivating and enchanting. It elegantly dances around open flames, it wraps itself up in the waves of the ocean, blanketing the depths of the sea with each crash. It securely anchors everything to the planet and asks for nothing in return.


One day I will find real darkness, true darkness. I long to be immersed in it, breathing in chilled air while letting my body just be. In darkness you have no choice but to just be. Nothing matters in still, silent darkness. I hope to lie in the depths of the dark, silent earth and listen to the noisy thoughts in my dark head. 

Are you afraid of the dark? Why?



Saturday, September 5, 2015

Batman - Selfish Vigilante or Defender of Justice?

I'm watching The Dark Night with a group of friends, under a flickering light with beer in hand. Now, I'm not one for action movies - I didn't pick this one, but I need to make it more interesting for myself. So, let's talk about justice:

This movie is obviously set in Gotham City, a city rife with corruption, poverty and psychopaths. It has its own special breed of disturbed psychopaths; Poison Ivy, Bane, Two-Face, Catwoman, The Riddler, The Joker, The Penguin and Batman - a billionaire that dresses himself up as a bat and makes a valiant attempt to uphold justice and order. Batman treads a fine line between being a defender of justice and being a selfish vigilante that is trying to avenge his parents' death.

Then there's John Rawls - a 20th C political philosopher. He believed that a "just man" is committed to the view that moral obligations or duties exist equally for everyone (deontological morality). He believed that justice = fairness. Citizens were all equal and could step behind a "veil of ignorance" when determining principals of justice. When one steps behind this veil of ignorance, they are ignorant from their particular circumstances (blind, poor, rich, etc).

Let's relate this to Batman - imagine if Batman were to stumble upon on a situation where both an innocent person and The Joker were in mortal danger. He would be morally obligated (under the veil of ignorance) to treat them the same way. He can't fear The Joker because of the past and can't favour the innocent civilian - nor can he allow his Bruce Wayne bias to influence his actions. Stepping into the Batsuit effectively means stepping behind the veil. If Two-Face becomes president, and promises tax-breaks for the rich, Wayne would be swayed to support him. This rules Batman out of the vigilante category because when he puts on the suit, he puts his personal situation aside and acts in the interests of all rather than just taking the law into his own hands.

In a city as messed up as Gotham, one has to step outside the system, behind the veil in order to single handedly reconstitute it.








Saturday, September 13, 2014

Women's Soccer

I went to watch the Gold Coast Div 1 Women's Soccer Grand Final tonight amongst many other finals played throughout the day. Most of the Men's Finals were played early in the afternoon and the Women's Finals were in the evening.

I noticed something interesting throughout both.

When the Men did badly the crown would call them Girls and Pussy's.
When the Men were doing well it was: GO YOU GOOD THING and wooooo!!
When the Women did badly the crown would call them wusses and if someone went down needing medical attention it was: Oh Women!
When the Women did well people compared them to Men.

I'm not really a feminist activist by any means, but this night was so messed up. It didn't help that most of the crowd watched the Men play and dissipated when there were only Women's games left. Even though the standard of good football was equal between both.

I feel like a lot of the people around me were completely oblivious to these differences from the crowd between Men and Women's football.

I think that's kind of sad.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

My Dream

For a little while I kept a dream journal. Upon re-reading it through my immense boredom at work I found something that I have been meaning to share for quite some time.

"You never have memories of thinking about a memory. Whether it be good or bad, the memory might fill you with guilt or angst or even the verge of having a mental breakdown over it. But, you never remember where you are filled with this deep inner turmoil or anxiety over thinking about a bad memory. You only remember the memory"

Welcome to inside Jess' head. I hope you enjoyed your stay, please come back for more mind blowing shit.

Seriously though, my subconscious has a point. Take me for example. A simple memory might be the time I was giving my details to a receptionist and she asked:
First name?
Jess
Last name?
Thanks - seriously thanks? (I thought she said nice name)
I'm such a fucking idiot - this may not seem like a big deal to most people, but my levels of anxiety get to boiling point sometimes and I am left with a string of insignificant but regrettable moments.

Anyway, I get so caught up in the memory that I completely dismiss myself, right now, feeling like a dick for such a dumb moment. I probably won't remember this moment, I'll only remember the memory of the dumb moment because of how fixated I am of the dumb moment.

This might actually be a breakthrough in my anxiety because I am so caught up in these feelings. GOSH IT'S LIKE I AM MY OWN THERAPIST

Anyway thanks for staying in this moment of realisation for me, I'm sure there will be many more to come.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Nano Time Again

This Nano is kinda a big deal for me. I'm on holidays from university leaving me with my thoughts and imagination over the break rendering me in the perfect mind set to actually finishing my novel this year.

The worst part about Nano, is actually starting Nano. I sat here in front of my laptop for a good 45 minutes thinking of characters and scenarios and plot twists and NOTHING. I had no words, but i realize now that I was trying to write a best seller. One cannot write a best seller with gripping tension and amazing lines in a month.

The truth is, just freaking start writing. ANYTHING, just build on what you have. It's kind of like a cake, if you fuck up the start, you just add more stuff to make it better. If it's lacking flour, you just add more flower. If it's too flourie just add some water. When the balance is right you can cruse in thoughts and ideas and eventually make up your mind. Well, that's how it's been for me at least.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

I have something to say

I've been staring at this blank page for over half an hour. Wanting to say something but have nothing to say. This lead me to this idea.

We shouldn't write because we want to say something.
We should write because we have something to say.

As a result that was something i had to say.


Sunday, August 5, 2012

Fighting for or against?

You know that feeling when you just can't be bothered doing anything? It's how I feel right now with an assignment due in less that 24 hours, 1000 words left and my heart and soul just isn't in the piece of writing. I don't believe in what I'm arguing. I think that's the problem.

If I'm passionate about something like Gay rights, Equality, no Wars, Music, Philosophy and perspectives; these are all things that I find fascinating. Family Law to me is just tasteless. Why should I care about a couple getting a divorce, both parties being UNREASONABLE, neither cares about their children who are the real losers in this situation and they both just want to destroy each other. These people just don't get it, it's like trying to deal with a primitive form of life. To me, it's pathetic and I can't pick a side to argue for or against because morally I just think they are both in the wrong. That's just me.

Any whooo. I guess I have to, but it's times like these where I feel as if i'm on the wrong career path. I want justice and fairness in the world and I hope to make a mark on the system in the best way I can. But it's just so hard. People can be so closed minded and selfish. That's what I'm afraid of. I'm going to be coping blow after blow and just having to take it on the chin suppressing my own morality in order to get through the situation. I am strong now about arguments like this. But what I fear most is crumbling under the stress of fighting so hard for something and just being knocked back again and again as if i'm going no where.

I just hope everything will work out eventually for the better. 


Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Story Time

So today I went to got my eyes checked and a memory came to me that I felt I needed to blog about. When I was a kid (about 6 year old) I needed glasses. I'd needed them way before that but thought what I saw was what everyone else saw. When it was night time, i couldn't see stars because my vision was so bad. Every time I went outside or looked up at night, I could only ever make out the moon. I thought stars were only in books and authors would draw them because we know they were there, we just couldn't see them.

I remember coming home and being fascinated by the world. My complete existence changed. I could see fence lines clearly and read the board without squinting in school. But most importantly, that night, I looked up at the sky outside my window and saw for the first time, stars. I was amazed and began an obsession with the universe. Stars and other planets. I started reading encyclopedias and was in absolute ore of the world.

This is just  random memory that I felt I should share as I don't want to forget it

:)

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Thoughts

I wonder if you sit and ponder as I do when I find myself too captivated by the world to speak. I wonder if in long car rides you rest your head upon window and gaze out and the trees passing by at 100kph. I wonder if you try and capture fragments of scenes before they’re gone. I wonder if the music you listen to evokes memories that you’ve tried to push away, evokes feelings you thought you’d forgotten, as it does for me. I wonder if you write out letters of things you’ve wanted to say only to re-read them and realize they make no sense at all anymore. I wonder if on silent nights you lay awake..the only company you’re willing to keep within your mind. Life is made up of nothing but memories. And it’s these memories that plague my thoughts and drown reality. It’s these memories I wish I could burn, like a photograph, to deny their existence entirely. It’s these memories…that I will so painstakingly cherish, for they are all that remains; a constant reminder of what once was.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Lonely

if you want me to move out west with you, all you have to do is ask and i will say yes. you can do what you need to do, and i'll be there doing whatever it is i'll do, and we'll make it work because we're both smart and we'll figure it out. we can talk about mountains and law and politics and we can talk in poetry, if you want. we can talk about all the things we think about in life, the things that make us tick and hum and keep on waking up in the morning. and you can tell me i'm wrong about mostly everything, but that's okay, because i don't think anyone ever truly gets it right. and we can stay up all night, fighting or laughing or crying, or play hide and seek in the city streets, or just stay up for the hell of it, making love at two in the morning because we're young and in love and we can do whatever the hell we want, dammit. and we can look at old baby pictures and wish we had met each other sooner in our lives and made better choices that might have led to that happening. and you can complain about the songs i listen to, and i can tease you about your accent. and i'll take pictures of you when you're sleeping and keep you in bed when you have to go to work. and we can drink coffee instead of tea, and have you steal my cigarettes. and we can write a book together. and fall asleep together. and wake up together. and maybe, for just once in our life, find one of those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, and smile and know that we made the right decision.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Reality


I’m suddenly hit with inspiration after standing out on the deck, staring at the stars reflection on the water; silver pepper blanketing the surface. It makes me think of reality. Above the water there is a totally different reality to what lies beneath the canal. Evolution comes to mind. Every creature lurking beneath the surface only has one thing in mind: survival. While we as humans, have the prospect of working, incomes, relationships and our fight for wanting more. We have consumerism, religions and much more to enrich our lives. In reality we have it easy, we’re all lucky and free. Some people think fish have it easy. In reality, we have it easy. Survival isn’t our priority anymore. A big house, fancy car and love are what we crave. And we will stop at nothing and sulk in our own self-pity and depression before we get it (if we get it). Fish are happy if they see tomorrow. This idea spurned as I lay awake last night, listening to the sounds of fish jumping before it occurred to me that they aren’t jumping because they can or because they’re happy. They jump to get away of a bull shark or a stingray; desperate for survival. There is seldom beauty in that. Nothing, but for the cold reminder that they are living in constant fear. If anything, those sounds should remind us of how lucky and fortunate we are. Sure we have struggles that they will never have to face, bullying, hate speech, debt. But those things thrust upon us give us perspective. Perspective of how life’s not fair but it goes on. It goes on is what we take for granted most of the time. A small fish borne into an ocean of predators isn’t fair, but if it didn’t happen we wouldn’t have living oceans. The species couldn’t continue. We would continue, regardless of bullying or debt. That’s what we take for granted. I think I’m just continuing to write deliriously in the dark, counting numbered days I take for granted.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

2012

This is a big year for me so I thought I'd just take the time to genuinely blog. I graduated high school, got into university and am moving out of home in the next two weeks. I'll just sit back and let that soak in. I didn't get my first preference which was to stay here in Brisbane and attend QUT majoring in Justice and Philosophy but my QCS mark (big state national test than has more flaws in it than Tess D'Urberville) didn't let that happen. But, there is no use sitting here with could haves and would haves. 2011 was pretty shit, but 2012 will be my bitch. I am attending SCU on the Gold Coast and will be living pretty much on the water of a canal for the net 12 months then transferring back to my first preference.

It's going to be a fun year, a great year, one filled with new possibilities and adventures than I want to share on this blog and my new youtube channel: www.youtube.com/jesshneil

I just want to let anyone know who is in high school that may not be the top of the class. This is a quote I will never forget: Never confuse Education with Intelligence. There were students in my class that could remember and regurgitate an entire text book. But had no idea how anything worked. I think that's why I had so much trouble with maths. I didn't know how the formulas worked, I just knew they worked. That irritated me to the point where I would plot out the whole formula and analyse it to the point where I wanted to set everything on fire. If you are a B average student like I was, or even a C average student. Just hang in there, it will get better and you will get out of there. There is a light at the end.

School was hell for me. I was a victim of bullying in grade 3-5. In High School Assemblies would fill me with rage because of the religious nonsense. Religion class would make me want to kill myself, we were told basically believe in the bible and all gays should not marry. Can you see why I was angry? Any rational human being surely understands why! This kinda ties back to what I'm saying, education and intelligence. I read philosophy in my spare time and would write notes just because I loved it. I couldn't study it at school because of the religion department. It makes me mad that outside people who do the QCS can just grade you on your student number and number of credit points in school. They have no idea who you are, what you think or how valuable you might be. Also, 6 months from now, no one will give a fuck how well you did.

Basically, school will screw you over but once you're free, you get to do whatever the fuck you want. There are ALWAYS back ways into courses that you want to do. Worst case scenario you just enter the workforce and build up once subject at a time to bank some credits to go study what you really want.

Good luck if you're entering into grade 12, it's a bitch.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

It's Not Hard

Poem

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
"

— William Ernest Henley, Invictus

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Unconsciousness


Watching people out the bus window go about their day. I don’t know if it’s just my relentless negativity about most things. But, it seems as if people are all just trapped on this planet, it’s a jail. We have choices but that doesn’t make us free. My future consists of University, Job, live off pension, die.

So why do it? What keeps us alive? Is it love; that cancer-like feeling that ultimately hurts us the most? Is that our purpose? Is finding some kind of human connection with somebody else really our purpose, or is it that we are all conditioned to think that?

Does being positive in the face of adversity make us strong?
Or are all the positive people in denial, going about their day in unconsciousness?   

Books and Nanowrimo


I’ve been thinking about just books in general today and In particular why my nano fizzled into nothing two weeks in. When I was writing all I wanted to do was point out the obvious and expose the novel from the very beginning. But no, I had to step around it with “show, don’t tell” in symbols and metaphors, all of which were hard to conjure up even with the aid of google. The truth is, writing is hard and tedious. Nano re-enforced that to me.

This got me thinking of why do I love the books I love, what makes them better than my 30 000 words? It’s because we watch someone else thump their heart on a page, all their emotions. We truly see THEM and because we see them, we see us. We see our heart on the page. We resonate with the characters and the plot; it seems to understand us even when we don’t quite understand ourselves.

My resolution: Well, I’m a very reserved person and starting this blog was a conflict of interest for me. But, I did it. Why? Because I have something to say, even if it’s on the smallest, back corner of the internet, it’s out there and YOU’RE reading it. That’s what my novel needed. I know Nano is over but I’m going to finish it. I want quality not quantity.

Anyway, because I’ve just finished high school I have a heap of time to spend with proper ideas and deeper thinking, which is really want to share with the world.

Friday, December 2, 2011

I'm sick of everything

I don't give a shit about people magazine
I don't give a shit about the omg, lmfao and rolf's
I don't give a shit about Justin Beiber's hair, new car, hair, face, hair and especially about his music
I don't give a shit about Kim Kardashian's fashion line, marrage and divorce or the square foot of her ass
I don't give a shit about the media spending millions of dollars building someone up then getting millions tearing them down again a few years later
I'm tired of strip malls, chain stores.
I'm sick of the concept of freedom of choice and how it's mutated into the choice between shopping at K-mart, Target and Myer.
I'm surposed to feel at home at this chain restaurant but I feel like a lab rat
I'm surposed to feel joy and excitement when I see a new movie poster but instead I feel exausted and depressed.
I don't give a shit about the latest Iphone and 9000 apps that come with it
I don't give a shit about the latest xbox or PS3
I don't give a shit about social networking sites where people post about what they had for dinner
I don't give a shit about x-factor
I don't give a shit about American Idol, I resent it, music shouldn't be about the popularity and the goal being to have millions of consumers like it, it should be an artform for people who actually have something to express for people who want to listen to it and appreciate it.

There's a reason someone invented the words: Alienate and Misanthrope.
 Maybe I was born either way too early or way too late, there seems to be a process you're surposed to go along with and I have no interest in going along with it. I'm so sick of everything.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Dystopian Fiction - The Lost Thing

video
If you like:
1984,
Brave New World,
V for vendetta,
Then you HAVE to see this; there is a vast amount of meaning incorporated into the story It's a reflection of our society and the technological changes. Perhaps even the human mind being slowly disintegrated.

Enjoy! :)

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Who Likes The Getup Kids? :)

I’m not the kind of person who is so self-indulgent that they talk only of themselves and I find it very difficult to write a blog about myself and well…opening up to a word document.

I received strange looks of judgement and just weirdness today as I pulled out Hamlet on the morning bus and decided to knock over two more scenes to ponder for the remaining of the journey.

The remainder of the morning I spent in rage in my religion class. I honestly cannot wait to leave school. I can actually feel my blood flow rise as the teacher preaches that “I don’t like the study of philosophy because it puts people’s beliefs into categories”. Now, I’m quite a lover of philosophy and understanding different perspectives to try and gain further understanding of the human psyche so I don’t speak, I close my mouth and recited Shakespeare lines (anything to just get me thinking of something else). I don’t understand how she can say that….she categorises herself as a Christian and doesn’t stone people for blasphemy…so identifying herself with that religion but not accepting all of it makes her not a “true Christian” yet she identifies herself with it because MOST of the stuff Christianity preaches she believes…but I could go on forever so enough of that.

I had History at mid-day. It also makes me kind of mad because we are focusing on local history. I come from Brisbane, Australia. It used to be a small country town…there has been no uprisings, no revolutions, nothing remotely interesting has happened except the council’s massive arguments about which type of stone to build the city hall with. Sure, learning about local history is important…but they should make it a grade 8 or 9 topic. I’m in grade 12, in my opinion we should be learning about the whole Libya and Bahrain issue. That’s important and it’s happening right now. (Again my disgust with the self indulgence).

The rest of the day was pretty average, nothing exciting, I drove myself home and then proceeded to write this. One thing exciting that has happened is (well two things)

1) I’m seeing The Getup Kids concert tomorrow night
2) I pre-ordered “The Fault in our Stars” by John Green :)

I hope all you guys are doing well and I will write again tomorrow!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Revenge

There is nothing so urgent as the desire for revenge, when real or perceived injury has been done to oneself or one’s community, there is nothing so sweet as the angry pleasure it gives once enacted. Connoisseurs of revenge might applaud Emile Gaboriau’s remark that ‘ revenge is a luscious fruit which we must leave to ripen’, but it is rare for revenge to be patient. We hurry to avenge whereas we are slow to pay gratitude to someone – and failing to achieve revenge is painful and often more mortifying and painful in ways that not discharging other debts rarely is.

Revenge is a primitive impulse to justice; it has an intention to restore balance but this usually makes it too harsh and punitive, therefore inviting further revenge. (Think of the Guelphs and the Ghiballines, the Montagues and the Capulets). Vengeance bred vengeance; that’s the nature of feuds. They quickly consume the parties in a downwards spiral of hatred and violence.

“It is sweet, to see your foe perish, and to pay justice everything he owes” – Euripides

That’s the crucial problem: society cannot function if individuals are left to seek redress on their own; justice cannot be a matter of privet enterprise. Recognition of this led to the creation of Laws and courts.

Nelson Mandela said – “No revenge is more honourable than the one not taken, there is nobility in forbearance”

Revenge is part of the festering hatreds and hurts which poison life. It takes magnanimity (meaning great soul) – to rise above revenge. It is always in short supply, but I think it’s the main ingredient in everything that makes life a better place , it’s the only antidote to the rage for revenge which, without fail, always makes things worse.

I’m studying Hamlet at the moment so maybe that’s why the topic is fresh in my mind. The only thin rotten in Denmark is Hamlet, and his piss poor attitude.